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You cant choose who you love, you cant try to figure out who youre going to give your heart to and when its going to happen. All that you can possibly know is that, if youre lucky and you live your life right at some point no matter how old or how young, someone is going to come and take your breath away. Theyre going to sweep you off your feet and take you to realities that youve never even dreamed possible.
I've fought about this with myself over and over. Trying to be happy with others and in the back of my mind knowing why it wont be. I'm destined to be, with Marcy. With my gorgeous, beautiful, seductive wife. I want her to be my wife and i realize that im a bit presumptive, but theres noone else who i would rather give my heart to. Noone else who i can do nothing else, but smile around.
I love her, I would cry for her. I would live my whole life for her, devote my energy and my time to her, i would go through hell and back, I would die for her. I want to wake up in the morning and see her smile reflected in the sunlight next to me. I want to have her in ways that tempt the stars with their beauty.
I want to feel her in my arms again and have her head resting on my shoulder. The smell of her hair filling my nostrils, the pressure of her chest in my stomach and her arms on my back. She makes me feel complete, she does complete me. She's my rib, the rib that i have been missing all this time.
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Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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ok because people still i have to put my name on my own journal.
Sherry wanted to be a doctor, she wanted to help people, sherry worked all day and prayed all evening ,until she got home, because she needed to see if her prayers had been answered.
Sherry's dad was from the "down south" where its ok to hit your kid, sherrys dad always taunted her"spare the rod spoil the child" he'd laugh as he bruised her tan body until it resembled the midnight color of his arm
Sherry was 16, and wanted to be a doctor, sherry wanted to save people, because when she went home noone would save her, daddy didnt have a job, so mom worked from 9 to 5 and 11 to 6 so they could stay in a poor rundown apartment where the doors hung off
Sherry always wrote in her diary about her mom's door never closing,"it never closes, but it never opens when i need it," sherry giggled at the thought and then winced in pain, because her rib was broken, sherry didnt have to go to a hospital to figure that out, she wanted to be a doctor, she knew
She always knew, she felt daddys hand curl in her stomach and knew she was bleeding inside, as red specs dribbled the carpet and he told mommy that he cut himself shaving, she felt daddy's show kick her ribs as she grasped for his belt buckle and was pacified by the gin smelling breeze that escaped his mouth as he yelled and she cried and mommy snored, sherry never screamed herself, because she knew what would happen if she woke up mommy
Sherry wanted to be a doctor she wanted to save lives, because when she was 15, she killed her baby, 9 months before mommy had to work overtime and daddys,well he didnt
One night Sherry came home late, she spent the day crying,because the girls at school with their louis vuitton bags and pepe jeans made fun of her clothes, becasue that's what her mommy could afford
She spent the day crying and wincing at the bruises on her chest, and crying harder and the bloodshot eyes she had to staye with
When sherry came home,daddy was waiting and drinking, and drinking and waiting, sherrys mom had to do overtime and daddy laughed and quickly became angered, he yelled at sherry because she wasnt there to keep her company
Daddy beat sherry that night and the first yell she made was he rlast, her dad threw her so hard, mommys day finally closed, so even if she was there she couldnt have helped
Sherrys gone and daddys not in jail, because mommy realizes that if he'd do that to sherry what would he do to mommy, mommy is 2 months pregnant now, she missed more days than allowed so she's looking for another 11-6
She's going to school, and she made a promise to herself, If she's pregnant with a girl, she'll kill it,just like Sherry, and because she knows what daddy will do, because Sherry wanted to be a doctor, She wanted to save lives, now her mommy does too
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Thursday, October 28th, 2004
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Finally hitting the bed at 2, the loud alarm buzzing forces your eyes open at 5:45 on the dot. Thew ringing in your ears is too loud to compete with, instictually you fumble in the darkness for a remote, any remote to drown out the bleating sound of an over synthesized little jingle tone on a cheap ass cell phone. Loud music blares from a speaker that took more time to fix than it was really worth. You start wondering if today really is the day you want to wake up, or if it is one of the alternative days, one of the ones where its ok to not go, where you can let everything slide and hang free. 25 minutes later you know the answer to that is no. Your ass is back in the world hiking over broken sidewalks the crevaces caked over with dirt and glass. The stale smell of rotten food behind the chinese restaurants and the dingy smell of a mildewed body hovering up from a mattress resting against the old abandoned gas station. Hike 3 more blocks to a long narrow bus, to be cramped inside with people who idealogically you could do without, but for the sole purpose of surviving you try to last, try to sustain yourself from the ravaging effect of their eyes. In your mind you keep hope close to your heart. You let it infect every orifice of your being. You are no longer concerned with the bus hitting major poholes, your head bashing inbto a steel pole thats supposed to be for your support. You give up on yourself having anything to do with the people that surround you and finally you see it. The pink horizon over the expanse of a dark blue sky. The tinged orange sun rising in the face of a man mumbling to himself walking towards you. As you hike from mcdonalds to the village from the village to the streets from the streets to the wood.Resting inside this stone jail, this crying POW camp with no faith left in it. Your back aches from your knapsack, your legs pump battery acid and you run on, you run up and down stairs as if calistenics is the only thing youre programmed for. Up a flight down a flight away from the lunchroom with its smell of stale food resembling puppy chow to the wreak of the bathroom. Making you seem as if youre goldilocks, this toilets to full, this toilets to rank, this one is just right. Finally the bell sounds, its 1100, lunch time. You make it to a lab to sit amongst the dregs of classrooms who dont keep up with the news enough to know that the bible belt is republican, that these cute little terms we give things only harm us and that ultimately you are a solder, a soldier in a never ending war. A soldier doomed to hike one flight after another, drudge through one wasteland from another. Take one more breath and dive in, calistentics again and the only way to be prepared is dipping your face is the rusted cold drinking hole and wake yourself up.
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Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
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This is fluffy, fluffy is a puppy, fluffy is a puppy who i grill and put in a birthday cake for you. You are the girlfriend i love more than anything, you are the ghost that haunts my underwear. I love you so much, but my baby girl is all grown up now, your 18, your legal so i guess this is goodbye, haha psyche if fluffy saw me leave you he'd destroy my world, of course if you did leave me my world would be destroyed.
On this day i give you 3 gifts
I give you the gift of love, the emotion that i share for you everyday
I give you the gift of underwear with which to cover your ass
I give you the gift of fluffy, may he forever be an inspiration and a guardian too you.
I wanted to say something beautiful on this day, i wonted to but our midget threw up on your card, so i sent you fluffy.
Merry Easterday hunny
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I should have never written these entries, but thats not what i want to say.
I am Jack's crying smile,watch me and gasp
I am his burning soul that has been denied
the burning sensation that dwells within him
I am the shirt hanging off his breast as he screams his life away
The ringing in his ears built from the digression of his hearing
I am the dreamy feeling of his eyes, the surreal touch of his hands
I am Jacks beligerent thoughts
Why does she deny that they are
Why is he so cruel
Why have i lost have i been betrayed
I am jacks confusion
I am jacks pain
I am Jack's life
I am Jack
I give my life to a face that i see in pictures, but i sell my soul to the voice that calls my name
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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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Come one, Come all, Come big, come small, stand around and gasp at this immortal world of ash. At the decadence so vile, the torture of this small child. At the torment the pain, the horrors, too graphic to explain. Watch me breath smoke, inhale it all and gasp, watch me burn trees, kill half the world and laugh. Burned by your eyes, beguiled by your hate, ever the gentleman, with a bow, accepting my fate. This is the time of prominence and pain, this is the dark hour the our minds have arranged. To break free of this rhyme scheme i shall now depart. Im no man, not black not jordan, im art.
Why do we make kings out of fools? Im so tired of the idiots that even when they seem to be trying treat everything like ae joke. Maybe its my mind, maybe its what a teacher said, the writers mind.Maybe i miss you alo, i think i do. I think i didnt call you though because i want you to feel better. I feel terrible for causing your throat to hurt more, i shouldve known better. I want to write so bad, like i always do in this journal, this one now, but i cant. I feel safest with my writing with the things that i say in the journals i send to you.i wish...i dont know what i wish.
That you had some evil in you, that you might know me.
New entry after this
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Was it worse for me to call or not say anything? Should i have left you to your memories and never pried in about your story? Has she really scared you that bad that you have to blame us all? Have you really forgotten what it was like those few months ago? Maybe she's not the only one that it was better when she had no friends,maybe she's not the immortal social butterfly. Maybe her story models yours, maybe you are your best friends tormented conscience. Maybe they dont know who you are, maybe you seem to dance before the lights of this stage we call life. Maybe i just sit back and let you yell and you never even say thank you. Maybe the incessant question, how's your day, are you ok?; just a quaint too hard.Maybe it is my paranoia, maybe my confidence in you is fleeting. Maybe i looked for a, dont worry she'll be fine. Was it always like this and i didnt care? Was it always like this and i just never noticed. Have you always been so quick edged, so volatile to someone trying to help. Have you always been defensive against the prying eyes of others. I wont say you by name you know who you are. Was it really worth me writing this? Maybe i should've just left it at wake up, this morning.
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Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
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Recently, i've felt as if these entries are too one sided. Too pained,too tortured. There is no true creation of my art and no real expression of my soul(if i still have one)
Watch me tear myself apart and build myself up again as something worth being.I never wanted to show therse people what happens when im pushed too far. I never wanted to show the afflictions of my mind in a manner that is wrong to the world. I just do. I tried to think about it though, that's who i am. The anger never leaves, the fire always burns, the pain always worsens.My glory fades to bleak obstruction of monotony. My world and my own pain. Self improvement is oen sided masterbation that is otherwise useless, but my self destruction is a sight to behold. Im like a phoenix constantly bursting into flame only to be reawakened again out of that which killed me. All my problems, all my tears, the lose a friend gain a friend method of living. The tawdry poems, the unrelenting stories are all just an expression of my soul wanting to escape and bleed. Now i know some people say that your soul cant bleed, but the screaming in my ears, hey if thats not agony and bleeding...what is? ok so i know i started off bad wrote bad and finished bad, but hey, that's why you read this journal.
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Monday, October 18th, 2004
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1) Name: Jimmy Martinez/Jordan Aguilera
2) Age: 15
3) Hair: less than an inch you fuckin pervert
4) Height: 6'1"
5) Eyes:dark brown, black, i am jacks inner demon
6) Glasses? should wear them but dont, i am jacks gaining sight
7) do you play an insturment? yea bitch
8) what one(s)? guitar and your mom
9) are you more of a boy or girl? i'm more of a why dont you shut the fuck up, why would you look at my journal if u dont know if im a boy or girl
10) do you like ot be held? *coughtorineedstherapycough*
11) Do you like to hold? noooo dont
12) do you like to kiss someone on the forehead? hell no retards with acne giving me their goo germs
13) what about tongue? my tongue has a mind of its own, it goes where it goes
14) do you have big feet? 15-16 in mens
15) what about rough? if im on top of someone and im bouncing them really hard its because im trying to kill them
16) favorite holiday: Jimmy's Birthday/Jimmy's Aniversary/Halloween
17) are you artistic? i cant draw stick figures
18) are you logical? thats an illogical question, its nerver whether or not you're logical but what extent your logicality reaches
19) are you an introvert or extrovert? never leave my room....never leave my room...never leave my room
20) do you like boys or girls? hmmmm guess youll have to find out wont you
21) both? *points to nose*
22) favorite position (lol): murder, its teh one where the KNIFE IS IN TEH ASSHOLE WHO MADE THIS TEST
23) fave movie: Fight Club
24) fave song: TNT/Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
25) do you like me? hell no you sick fuck
26) or do you want me dead :(? want yes, enough energy to make it so no
27) do we hang out enough? of course we do, none, and that's the way we like it
28) do you want to hang out more? no dont touch me
29) how well do you know me? how well do you know me this test is 29 questions too long
30) do you read? i aint not no dummy
31) fave kind of day: the bleak dreary days where teh sun ceases to shine but casts a blue tint over the trees
32) fave show: South Park"ha ha ha ha ha ha i made you eat your parents"
33) am i too random on this thing? i dont care is it over
34) have we ever done...stuff? probably ive touched many a people
35) you want to do ... stuff. get the hell away from me you sick fuck
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So spent a good weekend with my aunt jackie convinced people i was 17 and had a respectable conversation about psychology. Then as a result of all my fun that fat bitch comes and gets in a fight with me. Maybe i am the calm little center of a world gone mad. I just take and take and take, from everyone, their stories, their pain and misery. And i took one more outburst from her and i couldnt take it. I was just swift revenge. I spoke coy the best way to assure her undoing her argument became unraveled under the constant unblinking gaze and i watched her weep. I watched her cry in a hope that i would feel sorry for waht i've done. Ive done nothing she's the one who made me live in that house, she's the one who squandered my money, she did everything wrong and made my life a living hell. Now im going to beat the life out of someone else. Im going to find that little freshmabn bitch in a dark corner of the school and beat the holy shit out of him and watch that last little bit of light faadr from his eyes. I felt so beguiling this weekend. I wanted to shoot a bullet in pandas, harpoon wales, tip over oil riggers and smother every beach in every town id never see. I wanted to pollute the earth and kill every plant id never touch i wanted to destroy something beautiful i still do. I thought annihilating my moms sense of falacy in regards to her parenting would be beautiful but i just realised how ugly she really is. Every character flaw that should be eviscerated in fiction came to surface, every bump every jiggling of that fat belly until i almost wanted to carve out her throat and dismember her bile duct. But i didnt i sustained my anger because if i did kill her or upset her, she'd call my aunt jackie. My aubnt jackie doesnt deserve that, but maybe i will dismember people today. Maybe ill finally be able to destroy something beautiful.
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Friday, October 15th, 2004
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Maybe life is the most serene thing. Maybe ultimately all great things come to pass, but never fully leave. Maybe the time now, this very moment, while youre reading this youre experiencing love and pain at the same time. Maybe we reach the limits of our own mysterious nature when we finally stop looking at ourselves by our name and start looking at ourselves. Maybe i have seen all of this before while never seeing it at all. Maybe its not the miles between states that seperates us all maybe its our own inhibitions. Maybe black is whie and white is black until there is a problem. Maybe life is like dieing in the fact that both is a waste, and both lasts in feeling and respect forever. Maybe sisters and brothers were meant to fight maybe moms and dads were meant to leave. Maybe girls were meant for girls, boys for boys and anyone who feels the way they do. Maybe we feel when all thought is no longer applicable. Maybe that sensation that we deem as"horny, perverted" is just our own way of covering up how much we like it. Maybe letters are numbers, we all know them, and we all know where they are, like so what if i write 65 768 89. Its my journal, you know i wrote it, just like its my heart and you know you broke it. You, them, all of them. Maybe all of us break and remend each others hearts. Maybe we push that feeling of loss to someones feeling of want and we make depression. Maybe i love you, you know who you are, maybe you mean the world to me. Maybe im dreaming of you right now with my eyes open.
Maybe i see you all the time, but i see you like a blind man sees the sun. Maybe i cut myself for you, maybe i only bleed in your sweetest words. Maybe we're all enemies and the thing we call kissing is no more than a fight we wage with out tongues an immortal battle that we're both doomed to surrender. Maybe today isnt spirit day at kenwood, and maybe im repressing this.
I am in Michigan I am in Michigan.
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Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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Ok for you all yes i did cross over to the dark side in class yesterday.Keep in mind folks i write in class. Alot of my stuff has to be quiet so my journalism teachder doesnt catch on. So dark is mans heart i still feel that we as people are the only creatures that are ultimately born wicked. Our lives our beliefs are all just answers to a broader question. Why are we here, shouldve been the question on my mind. Why was it whether or not im really believing people, why was it am i good enough am i old enough. Why do i keep falling now, of all times. I wonder if i make any sense any time. Do i at least have the decency to be peoples answers. Am i strong enough to be a cure for what ails my friends. I woke up and left out early so i could go see alli at the bus stop. Should i have? She wasnt there, so i wandered around embracing the darkest stare of the cold morning. Feeling the embrace of a life that otherwise is confusing and beguiling. I miss you all, but i dont want you to see me. I dont want you all to tell what ive become over the course of my life.I like to ask whats your tragedy, your story, your line, maybe just maybe im reaching a hand out to someone, anything. My joking has gone cold and sour.
In other news.
LITTLE FRESHMAN FUCK TALKIN SHIT TO ME. DAMMIT I TRIED TO START OFF ON A GOOD NOTE, MAKE A GOOD DAY OUT OF THIS ALL, EAT MY PEANUTS DRINK MY JUICE. NOW BECUASE I HAVENT BEEN BUSTIN HIS HEAD IN HE STARTS TALKIN SHIT. IM GONNA STRANGLE THE LIFE OUTTA THAT LITTLE SHIT. I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM IN THE HALLWAY IM GONNA JAW HIM.
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Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
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| Time: | 8:46 am. |
| Mood: |  creative. |
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You're in touch with the world, and you have a very
strong opinion on things like politics and war.
Even if you do end up changing your image in
the future, most of us will still like you.
What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the color red. You are the most
controversial of all the colors. You are often
easily angered, but as easily as you got
excited, you come down. When angered, do you
have the tendency to be malicious? Afterwards,
do you end up begging for forgiveness? Maybe.
But you're incredibly generous, and, odd
enough, needy. You love to hate, and
sometimes, you hate to love. This color
describes you as generally edgy. When in a bad
situation, you're pessimistic, and when you're
in a good situation, you're extremely
optimistic. You're painfully tempermental, and
sometimes it hurts the ones you love. But with
an exciting and stimulating attitude, you enjoy
talking to people and being social. But aside
from your bold and outgoing attitude, you're
attention-needing and attention-getting. This
color is associated with lust and desire--and
you are both lust and desirous. You're a
protective person when it comes to the people
you love. You're incredibly sharp-witted and
powerful (not to mention intelligent!).
What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
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Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
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I got this picture for my personal protest at school, its a picture of george w.'s face made of every last soldier who died in iraq. People are so damn stupid they think im a republican, then they get close and realize that those people died for no reason at all, and that hey maybe its time we fight back, battle the powers at be and think for yourselves, but of course then they go right back to being their superficial selves. Maybe they think, maybe they dont at least i know im a one man protest for today and thats good enough for me at the moment.
Fight The power
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Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
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"Did i love till now for swear it sight i never knew true beauty before this nigt"-Romeo and Juliet
Wow been so long since i had something to believe in, i think im the product of a society raised by woman where eradic mood swings are expected, prone, and almost time based as if the sun were rising.Im happy im sad, im angry im tired, we're all like this. We're so confused about where to go what to do and we carry the burdens of a life that wasnt built for us.If life were meant for us it wouldnt be so rough, it wouldnt be so cold at times and it would be the personification of our hearts deepest desired and greatest wishes to be free. Maybe dreaming is truly our life, that satisfaction you get in your eyes when you close them that taste in your mouth when you think of eating or the surge on your lips when you think of kissing, maybe its the moment in time that you throw away the pills and medicine and grab hold of a pillow at night and feel the smooth caress of night over your body or allow yourself to be tantalized in your heart by a voice 160 miles away. Maybe dreaming and infatuation are our true world its the only time you're ever really you, whether your having sex whether youre smoking whether youre imagining yourself with someone*wink wink* or whether youre just sitting there picture yourself with friends around, its dreaming, dreaming is the range of our mind and the power of our hearts we dream therefore we express our hearts greatest feeling"
Life its the beating of our heart
It's the slow roll of our tongue on a kiss
the silent yelps of our body being grabbed
the rumbling in our body as we laugh
Life, its the dreamy feeling of love
and the redeaming feeling of hate
Life its wrapped in our dreams and packaged in our greatest fear
Life itself
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Monday, October 4th, 2004
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Seldom is the question asked, where does reality end and dreaming commence? Constant is thought plaguing the subsequent thoughts in the little box we call a brain. I have to be tori's older brother because as far as being needy shes like a crazy little 6 year old, you have to tell her to eat, to get dressed to wake up, its like having kids, and then i wish i was strong enough to be the cure alli needs, to ease the pain that someone so dear to me feels is a dream i would sleep 100 years trying to do. Pain in memories, lies on film its all just life in motion i guess. Im too weak to be alli's cure, to far to be cinda's escape, to broke to be tori's guidance, to young to be angels equal and too pathetic to be alo's solace. God we wallow in self pity while never actually sinking dont you think. I love all you people and your humanistic imperfections, you all mean the world to be, and i just dream of the time when i can mend it all.
I would...
Alli if i could shrink my self and mend the pains of your screaming heart i would
Tori if i were brave enough to cross the world to fix the things that are wrong i would
Cinda if i were strong enough to move this life to a place where you could be you i would
Alo if i could be me i would
Angel if i were smart enough to be the mental escape you need i would be
So much do we want but work hard for it we dont, read my lies its poetry in art its written in a scheme, my words are a knife cut me, watch me bleed.
To be all that i can and be all for you all, id become an artist, shoot myself and paint a picture with my brains on the wall.
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Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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So im at school, and yet when i look at those pictures i feel like im not. I can close my eyes and dream im in Michigan. Im by a pond holding my girlfriend. If its quiet enough here, i can see her hair blowing in my hands and hear her laugh when she pushed me into the pond. Imagination, impressively the greatest key to optimism, unimpresswively, disappears in most at the age of 15 when teh world becomes calamity and preaches idealogical styles of thinking to succumb to our ever growing mind. Imagination, the only way i can see my girlfriend, when i hear her voice on a phone and i close my eyes and believe. Im still here in school but im not, im there, with her. Im here in school in this library in between these doors trapped between these walls enclosed in this space, but im not, im at that pond seeing that sun feeling her laugh. Im here typing alone next to some kid with a bad combover and some flooding jogging pants, but im not im holding my girlfriend close to me, while she's wearing her rock star pants ande i she pokes me.
I am here but im not, i find it hard to be lost in the world, cause ive finally found a reason to be. More than April's therapist, More than Angels friend, More than tori's brother in law, more than Student Id # 36557001, im special to someone, i mean something to her. Im going nowhere right now, but im going everywhere fast.
I am Man, watch me bleed.
I am mans sense of fear, corner me and watch me strike
I am mans veins, cut me and watch me cry my story on teh knife
I am mans growing impatienc, pushed to far i revolt.
I am mans sense of love, nurture me and watch me grow
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Wednesday, September 29th, 2004
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Thank you tori, you made my day, i just got to see my girlfriend(god she has a hot ass,lol) i never realised what everything around me really meant until i met her i guess. Before all this, i couldve cared less about when the mail came, didnt worry about would my knife be with me at night, i couldnt really care if a picture i had was coming off the wall. That was before that mail was from my girlfriend, my knife was identical to hers, and that picture was of the grim reaper and was hand drawn by the woman i love. I never really knew what it was like to be falling,falling for someone, falling period. I still feel like im dreaming, like tomorrow ill open my eyes and those pictures wont be real that knife will still be at cindas house, and that notebook will have geometry notes in it again as i rush myself off to a life that i couldnt comprehend before i found someone that made it all worth it.She means the world to me, she is my world, and i actually think that im scared sometimes when i hear the words "breakup" and alo in the same sentence.Weird cause i never thought that a breakup would scare me.
----Also realized that stupidity is apparent in women who should be shot.
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Monday, September 27th, 2004
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Im so tired!!! lol, yay cinda left comments, i miss that little bum. Its like a whole new experience every time i hear from some people, she's one of em. Someone who knows me best, how much i love my gf, how far me and her have come. my arm hurts , im trying to help this chick with her news stories... ahh, ok. There we go.
-----I GOT TO TALK TO ALO ALL NIGHT SATURDAY. :-). Ok so cheesy, but its been awhile since me and her have been able to talk like that, and were trying to rob and jack cinda and tori so me and her can have identical knives. I went shopping for me and her's anniversary gifts. I love that girl so much, but i dont think she'll manage to send me anything and if she does itll be like in 2 months(cheap shot). Tori got to see my womans ass, i dont like that, she's mines i wanna see her ass.wait i didnt say that, nvrm nvrm.
I think im gonna write more in here, for cinda, in hopes she writes poemsses in here.
From the streets
___________________________________
Vindictive, Vindicated, Maniacal
The words that you label me
For the way i talk
The way i walk
Im from the streets
Speaking with my slang tongue
Wearing my pants too low
Using words youll never know
Im from the streets
Im from the urban jungle
The place of city where color is evident
and pain is constant
where your morning alarm is a gunshot in the dark
and the lulling sounds of sirens at midnight drifts you away
where dreams of hope are void
but dreams of making it to the store without seeing blood on your shirt
are all you can hope for
Im from the streets
Im from the urban decay the colored underside
The broken homes and the tattered lives
The repaved sidewalks
and stretching vacant lots
where mothers are evicted
but dead beat fathers are not
where the only white you see is in the color of your shirt
and the black in your soul is seen as the filthiest of dirts
Im from the streets
The pain, the tears, the sweat the blood
My ups, my downs, my slips my falls
My suffering, my fear, ive been through it all
From the streets to the bed
From the alley to the door
From the soft blow of the strees
to the stumbling of a whore
From the stroller rolling down the sidewalk
To the bodies outlined in chalk
From the ice cream sound in the streets
to the alcoholics that you meet
Im from the streets
Im from the end of the line, the stop of the road
Where the page drifts off and the story soon ends
i speak of my life, whether you read or not
I speak before im faced by another white cop
grabbing at my head and laughing at my skin
I back down from no one and i say it again
I was born and raised, know no type of defeat
fool, IM FROM THE STREETS.
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Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
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Life
So serene and weird
complicated it is
Flows slowly through us all
end only in the night
when darkness engulfs
Make believe, i miss it, there was a certain insight that came from being a open minded little kid.Remember times when everything was mystical, the essence of life, the spirit of us, the love we keep hidden because of the way we think we'll be seen. So weird, i wonder if ill ever have it back. No wonder anymore, no mysticality, just deadlines and end dates, just open bottles and closed time frames. Long staying girlfriends and too close floozies. Hot little green haired girls and weird corrupt teachers.
I wonder when things will change back to how they were. Ive become an empty stomached little fool, who mistakes everything for care and concern. Send me to a place where i matter, with people who think im great. This is a moment where its hard to believe in the essence of man, because everything is so essential. The elements in our mind keep us entertained while the things that make us feel the way we do, well they just kind of slip away.
-Cortez told me that noone really expected me to move on with my life, did i really. Of course i didnt.
If ive moved on how come i still have the same problems.
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bleedinglover's journal
loved.
accomplished.
happy.
cynical.
awake.
confused.
crazy.
and happy.
cold.
contemplative.
hungry.
lonely.